Excelling in Expectoration

Contrary to popular belief, South Indians have a different physiognomy. We are built differently for a specific reason. Not much research has been permitted into this area shrouded by mystery, but I choose to rip the shrouds of secrecy and tell the world at large, why we are different and how we can put this difference to good use. You don't have to look closely at a South Indian's face to think, "Eeoow, he looks so different, I wonder why." (For those who are offended by this statement, here's my alternative, "WOW. He looks so different, I wonder why." OK?) Now, the difference is not just skin deep, it is more profound. WE HAVE MORE ORGANS THAN THE REST OF MANKIND. Yes, the secret is out, for which I am sorry, but I earnestly believe that we South Indians should talk about our greatness once in a while.

Yes sir. We are blessed with more organs. The average human has 3 sets of salivary glands - the Parotid gland, the submandibular gland and the sublingual gland. The Parotid gland is the largest gland that is purely serous. (Meaning, it doesn't create mucous). This gland is FOUR TIMES LARGER in a South Indian and stretches to the back of the head. If you hit a South Indian on the back of his head he will spit a clear stream of saliva at the oncoming traffic. But don't try this. (We won't hit you, but we'll hold your hand when we walk, thereby ruining every ounce of respect you would have in civilized society). The largeness of the Parotid gland is the reason why we South Indians take mumps so seriously. We transform it into an angered deity and sacrifice anything that walks by to appease this Inflammatory God's anger.

We have 2 sets of sublingual salivary glands, as against the human norm of one. This gland is found under the tongue. These two sets are piled one on top of the other, and this is the reason why South Indians cannot make the sound "zh" or pronounce the deep "L" by rolling the tongue. Hence, Valapalam and Vaalkai and Damil. This is also the chief reason why our mouths are always open and there is an effervescent stew almost always at the corner of our mouths. We have three additional sets of submandibular glands, in the shape of a "U" in our chin, which explains our constant pout.

As a result of having four times more salivary glands than the average human, we South Indians have to spit almost constantly. A traveler chancing upon this magical land will be greeted by streams of saliva from all directions. There are stories of cultures in Africa where they spit on your face to show that they like you, but we South Indians spit no matter what the emotion is. To us spitting is like breathing. Unfortunately, the Government spurred by left wing racist people have transformed spitting into a disgusting act through the use of corrupt media. They have no idea of the great benefits of constant spitting, especially by us South Indians, equipped with extra salivary glands. I will outline a few of these benefits below, and atleast after reading this, let the world become wiser.

1) Painting your house: In the ancient art of Kavi addikaradhu, the elder women of the household, would chew betel leaves and paint their houses red using spit. Though their texture would vary, the colour was predominantly red. In the so-called civilized era, we have substituted that delightful concoction with an artificial Kavi. And later in this corrupt society we have resorted to painting our houses in various colours using harmful chemicals. Gone are the good old days, when, strolling along the old spit ridden street, we would comment, "See that wall? Kelavi Ponnuthaayi painted that whole wall with one steady stream of spit." With pride in our eyes.

2) Traffic Management: An average South Indian rides a motorbike more out of necessity than out of desire. As gas prices are very steep, and the pressure of population is simply too much, travelling and parking is much easier on a motorcycle than on anything else. The average South Indian always has his mind on the curd rice waiting for him at his home. So, he is always in a hurry, and weaves through traffic with no regard for anything. But there is a large section of South Indians who take public transportation viz. the diesel smoking city buses. All of us South Indians who sit near the windows, will spit in a Brownian manner. No motorcycle will dare pass a transport bus, and no transport bus is mechanically capable of breaking the 20 mph barrier, and hence there is no scope for accidents to happen. Traffic is well regulated.

3) No need to brush teeth: Obviously the constant spitting does away with any need to actually brush teeth. Village elders are respected by their ability to spit large volumes almost perennially.

4) Enhancement of groundwater levels and solving the water crisis: Self explanatory.

Again, like numerous occasions before, I hope the Govenment lifts the ban on spitting in public. It does not deter the millions of South Indians from spitting everywhere, but there is a small element of guilt in all our minds. A small itch that we are doing something wrong... wait...just.... a.... minute... nope! Good news! The itch was just a mosquito bite. All clear. No guilt. We will spit no matter what.