Golu, by golly!

Xplorg checked the Pyroovian database once again, just to make sure, before he alerted his commander Darda. Darda had been getting irritable lately, this was their longest assignment away from their home galaxy so far. "Sir. We will be reaching the planet earth's upper atmosphere in fourteen minutes." Darda tucked eight of his tentacles back in their casks of Pyroovian mud and floated up to the Observation pod. "Are you sure, Xplorg. Are you sure boy? Have you double checked the co-ordinates? This is our last fly-by, we have just enough fuel to get us back to the helium belt. And I am sick of this yellow sun. We need to get all information about these homo-sapiens. You remember the last time, over that White House place in the American continent, all the data we gathered was about a particular activity with reproductive connotation, but was done in the wrong positions. Apart from that there was no further information pertaining to the lives of these humans. So, after much research I have arrived at these co-ordinates, over the South Indian subcontinent, coinciding with the time that these people call Nava rathri. Here we will get all the information about these human creatures through representations of dolls and models stacked like crazy."

Xplorg gulped in apprehension. Well, he need gulp no more, for if his bearing is right, and they do hover over South India, they will gather all the data they need about real and mythical happenings from the days of the primordial ooze, and they can go back to Pyroovia chock full of data.






The season of Golu is upon us. Any house with a robust female presence gets more hectic activity than a country-arrack shop during election time. At this time of the year the ladies... well they just freak out. I have some news for you. The women are fooling us. Let me explain this, by sheer steely logic, observed during this Golu season, where they invariably let their guard down.

1) Women are good at building stuff: They build these amazing structures, full of divine stories, and trace the life history of entire armies of Gods and their harems and offspring. They get stuff from places that no one's heard about. My wife bought some brown paper and crumpled it and make the most realistic looking mountain that I've ever seen. She then perched a temple on top of it and baptized a tiny God inside that temple. I was forced to bolt the steps that go to make the Golu, as the women said that they are weak and not good with monkey wrenches. Liars!!!!

2) Women are crazy good at improvising: All they have is an attic full of old dolls and stuff, lots of super glue some paint and ribbons. They just go and transform the living room into Jurassic Park. And they do this in a day. So, when they look at you with dumb expressions, or say they don't follow cartoons, just think aloud this word... Liars!!!!

3) Women organize better than men: They have aunties painting the city red in truckloads. The concept of Golu indicates that the visited have to become visitors, and all this in 9 days (I think.) All women manage to visit each other and talk about every moving female form on the planet and keep a leash on the ghastly kids at the same time. That is some awesome display of organizational capacity, leaving us with just one glimpse of what women really are... Liars!!!!

4) Women are more creative than men: Some concepts that are floated are so good that you are led to wonder if the ghost of Da Vinci is circling the block. My wife built an entire town with traffic signals and a zoo and some people walking on fire (Oh, we South Indians do that all the time - when we are not stabbing ourselves or poking steel rods through our cheeks). It wasn't like they had time to sit and brainstorm a theme, they just got around, giggled and built whacky stuff. So, when women coo and say that you are a genius, just know that they are laughing their asses off , mentally. Liars!!!!

5) Women are smarter than men: These creatures have mastered the art of Controlled Freaking Out. They have made sure that they sneak a God inside every theme that they cook up. It is Balaji on a mountain, or Krishna stealing butter. My wife made an entire episode of some God on top of a mountain in his undergarments coming down and explaining facts of life to some poor old woman. Palani Andavar, if I am not mistaken. This art of incorporating entire families of Gods into everything makes the whole structure fool-proof in the eyes of the elder ladies that come visiting. The elder ladies keep one foot firmly in the grate (we don't bury our dead) and try to pull everything in this world into the afterlife. So they end up looking for God even in hot cocoa. Men grow beards, stop bathing and accumulate zillions in trust funds in pursuit of God, but these women, regardless of their giggling are so smart that they have the God aspect covered. In essence they are... Liars!!!!

So the truth is out. These women know that all it takes for men to go out, make hard money, haggle with auto-rickshaws and avoid spit bombs all day is to just pamper their ego. When the women see us drive up the driveway in the evening looking like the personification of constipation, they jump off their lounge chairs and start some burners, wear an apron and start talking. That leaves us with no option but to drink our coffee in silence and try and stay alive for the next day. And the women have amazing fun, they talk about everybody without a shade of guilt, wear jewelery, and if they feel that we men are doing a lot of thinking trying to wisen up, all they do is to move a few body parts in a pre-ordained fashion to divert all the blood from our brains to our equipment. So, all my brothers, let us stand up and acknowledge that we are weaker mentally, die sooner and are coarse. So, we will hence forth sit at home drinking beer, while the women will start earning and maintain us as pets.

For that's what we really are. God save our souls. I will try this theory on my wife tomorrow, and if all goes as planned, I will be sitting at home, surfing, for the rest of my life, while she will plan and pay the bills. But in all premonitive probability, she will laugh, say "nice try, asshole" and walk away.