Health tips for Madras

The Ministry of Health is quite concerned about the increasing number of people getting affected by the Chikungunya Virus (CHIKV). They are circulating informative pamphlets and advertising on primetime TV, preventive measures that need to be taken to avoid CHIKV onset. The symptoms are joint pain and high fever. And the virus spreads by mosquito bite. The preventive measures are all about controlling mosquito population.... that's about it.
As a concerned South Indian, I can't stand by and watch my fellow South Indians groan and moan, more than what they do when they are asked to lift a paperweight. So, here I am offering some important tips that you all need to follow to stop the spread of CHIKV.

1) Do not marry your sister's daughter. And girls, don't let them make you do your uncle. However delicious it may sound to you, marrying someone within the same family, someone who has the same genes as you is detrimental to the whole family, as the genetic weaknesses get highlighted and the next generation becomes weaker and more susceptible to illnesses. Like CHIKV. Do not listen to the infidels who will argue that Hank Azaria looks a lot like Rahul Bose and all this ruckus about inbreeding is nonsense.

2) Do not spit. Despite the natural South Indian urge to spit once, for every breath cycle, it is a nasty habit, that results in spread of disease. Imagine the ponds that you would create collectively as there are more South Indians in this world than Energizer 6 pack AA batteries. The same applies to other forms of bodily functions that we South Indians rejoice in performing in open air at every street corner.

3) Do not convert to other religions. Be happy with what your God created for you. If you convert to other religions, people who are close to you, but love their religion, feel very sad, and will cry in buckets. These would be ideal breeding grounds for mosquitoes.

4) Do not force your children to wash their jeans regularly. Washing jeans will consume a lot of water, and who will breed in the dirty water? No points for guessing.

5) Eat a lot of pizza. The cheese in pizza makes you very thirsty afterwards, and you tend to drink a lot of water. The more water that's been drunk, the less of it is outside, for mosquitoes to breed. In fact the Government should come forward and subsidize pizza. It's for a good cause.

6) Ban auto-rickshaws. I apologize to the creatures of the Auto-rickshaw industry, but their vehicles are everywhere, transporting people exactly like how a thrown peanut transports the nuts inside. These vehicles are grossly polluting and ply everyday, contributing to global warming. This means more people sweating, more waste water spawning gazillions more mosquitoes. As a practical alternative, let the Government authorize tremendously beautiful young girls to transport people on pedal-driven cycle rickshaws, thereby keeping the rickshaw concept alive and help the women get healthy exercise at the same time. And the men get very elevated testosterone levels, thereby raising their immunity.

7) Sponsor the whole city for a holiday. The Government should sponsor the entire population of Madras for a fortnight's holiday to the Mediterranean and the Swiss countryside. Agreed that the costs would be prohibitive, but imagine the saving in electricity, medical bills and oil costs. Added to this the people of Madras will come back energized and the overall productivity would shoot up. The average life cycle of a mosquito being 14 days, all mosquitoes in Madras would be dead. We would have Utopia.

No need to thank me. It is my duty.