Lunar Eclipse AHOY!!
All the good folks at NASA trained their telescopes and other groovy gadgets at the night sky, did calculations with more groovy gadgets, hummed and hawed and gave some schedules of lunar eclipses (?) in the year 2006. They've actually got this thing down to milliseconds, like what can be seen on this map, (thanks NASA). The great thing about this is, I have absolutely no clue what it says, but I can read almost all of the letters and numbers written on it.But as a cosmic South Indian, it is my sworn duty to educate the world at large about things that no scientist knows. Or can comprehend.
1) During a Lunar Eclipse, whether it is partial or total, the evil spirit takes over the moon, and swallows it. That is why you don't see the moon during an eclipse. South Indians have some special chants that induce nausea in any celestial body. It is due to their constant chanting of these cosmic nausea inducing mantras that the evil spirit regurgitates the moon.
2) Since these chants are nausea inducing, we are not allowed to eat during the time of lunar eclipse.
3) When the evil spirit consumes the moon, it becomes so happy that it throws it's head back and studies the stars. It analyses the stellar formation at that point of time, and realizes what star sign it is on that day. It then proceeds to inflict grievous bodily harm on all people of that star sign, irrespective of race, caste or emotional disposition. But mind you, harm is done only to the person who's star sign falls on that day. For instance, if you are Swathi Nakshatram, and the lunar eclipse falls on Swathi - YOU"RE TOAST BABY. You can get anything from lesions and boils, to terminal cancer.
4) Interestingly all other creatures in the world, from the penguins, to bacteria, do not get affected by being born in the same Nakshatram.
5) You're not allowed to go anywhere during the time of the lunar eclipse. If the eclipse happens on your Star sign, you will have to go through all sorts of religious cleansing, just to stay alive. You will be battling for your life.
6) Extremely dangerous cosmic rays will shoot from the moon and land on earth at that time, obliterating everything in it's path. Nobody knows what these rays are, and nobody can measure their intensity or anything, but everyone knows that they are there. How? How dare you question the intellect of the ancients. The good thing is that these rays will not penetrate your house. Even if you live in a hut, you are safe if you are indoors.
7) The lunar eclipse deposits a coating of pure evil on your body, physically, called the Grahanam Peedai. This will however, be washed off by a simple shower. That is the miracle of water. Let me reiterate - devastating rays that nobody has no clue of cannot penetrate your house, however fickle be, it's form of construction, but your body gets an even coating of Grahanam Peedai irrespective of how deep inside your house you hide.
I really hope the scientists the world over are benefited by this amazing intellectual deluge, and become wiser. Everybody should go without food and do tremendously strenuous religious exercises, so that the Grahanam Peedai is washed off.
And most importantly, you don't have to thank me. It is my duty to impart these gems of wisdom handed down the ages by amazing gurus who lived for thousands of years. They were able to extend a natural lifespan of a human from a hundred years to thousands of years. When they could extend their lifespan a thousand fold I really wonder what finished them off in the end.
5 comments:
dude... u forgot the procurement of the holy pattai from the temple and tying it on ur forehead. this is the armor u have to use so that, even if the spirit somehow sneaks thru the house, it will read the warning sign and return.
I confess I never knew of a pattai. After the eclipse is over and when they remove the pattai, do they call it "pattaiya kalapparadhu?"
I have learnt a lot about Lunar or rather lunatic eclipse. How dare you write such stuff? Do not you know that the ancient knowledge is only reserved for the twice- born and in the cursed internet it cannot be safe. For this perfidy Captain Superthumby, you have to take a bath and cleanse up. Not bagallaa baath.( that dish which you cant eat- as it is prohibitedc to eat during the grahanam.....
on a serious note.....does grahanam not have anything in common with digestion as in ( Grahikkaradhu)
While quivering in fear at the retort by The President of Grahanam Fasting Fan Club, is your real name anonymous? If not, can this transgressor of all things cultural see who the commentator is in partially eclipsed moonlight?
"I really wonder what finished them off in the end."
Hello Thumbykins ... an asteroid interloper from the Oort Cloud, possibly? Speculations apart, thanks for dispelling my umbra of ignorance. I had very little understanding of these matters. But that's the whole idea, coming to think of it. After all, this is a time-honored approach used by priests and politicians alike -- and not just in India -- to remain relevant -- Why do you need logic when fear will work?
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