Josiology

Sometime back, the prolific blogger Jawaman, sent me a message stating that there was a Kili Josier in his company, and asked me whether he should avail of his services. Of course he should. Ours is such a magical country, that there are millions of ways to know our future, all of them authentic and Saint-tested in their own right. We should never lose an opportunity to let a wise man, animal or bird narrate our entire future timeline. I mean, no one's ever had it so good. You can actually know what line of business you will be in, what your earnings after interest, tax and dividend would be for the next 5 years, how many wives you will have, how many dimples each of them will have, and so on. So, I urged our IT Uncle to go ahead and make his peace with the brother from the psittaciformes family, and know all that is there to be known. I assumed that the two things that would reign predominant in the time travel experience would be the question of marriage, and the question of income. But then, it struck me that there are so many questions that have to be asked of, and that the parrot is waiting to answer. So, I decided to make this questionnaire, so that the future future-mongers can face the psittacine armed.

Parrot Josiology Common Questionnaire

Q1: "Will I ever experience multiple orgasms in this lifetime? If so, can I know a tentative date, so that I can be prepared with Gatorade."

Q2: "Does the parrot ever have sex? If it is a virgin parrot, and if it were to, say, have a happy hour with a passing crow, (while the Josiology Manager was counting the cash, or taking a leak,) would the parrot lose it's ESP? Or is that a characteristic weakness only among psychic Indian humans? I know for a fact that all of the millions of psychic Indian women who foretell happy events with a grim face in return for Kanikkai in the form of fruits, rice, coconut and hard currency, are kept horny virgins with a uniform application of 2mm thickness turmeric paste. The moment they fall prey to the "devices" of the village Lungi dude, they lose all their power to tell the future, and all that's left is about 1mm turmeric paste. (As 1mm gets transferred on the Village Lungi dude).

Q3: "If the Josiology Manager does not give that grain to the parrot after a card picking is done, would the parrot screw around with the next customer, just for spite? Would it be, 'Ayya Annakili Jaadhagam. Annaandhu Paakumpothu Angamellaam Silirkum, Aana Andhi Saayarathukullai Aayudham Azhigidum', roughly translated as, 'Respected sir has the horoscope of a Annakili (mythical bird with some link to food). As he looks up at the sky, his body trembles in ecstasy, but by evening his weapon would become rotten'. Or is the parrot more mature than that?

Q4: "What is the exact percentile raise that I will get?"

Q5: "Does the psychic parrot sleep? And if so, does he snore? Will he dream of the parrots or humans, and would it be the future?"

Q6: (In case of a positive reply to the near ubiquitous question "Will I get married and will my wife be beautiful?"). "When you say, my future wife will be beautiful, would it be from the perspective of the parrot. I mean, can I expect my wife to have a greenish hue, a tremendously long and curved nose, constantly repeating whatever I say, and demanding a grain of rice after every statement?"

Q7: "I want to get into this business. How do I identify a holy parrot with ESP? Are there any telltale signs like would parrot drop it's prasad only on top of temples or Sadhus?"

Q8: "If the parrot can tell the future, why in the name of the holy Madishaar DID IT GET CAUGHT?"


When I transform completely into an absolute Vetti raconteur, I will devote my life to making more exhaustive questionnaires for future-mongers who go in any direction, like Possession, Trance, Betel Leaf, Geometric Pattern Study (Jadhagum), Smelly Shells, Holy Ash and so on.